Stressed about Love? :: Advice, Solutions, Escapism
The Keys to Successful Flirting by Peta Heskell :: advice for men and women ::
advice, solutions, escapism

The Keys to Successful Flirting

  1. State reigns supreme
  2. Let go of the outcome and get it anyway
  3. Be yourself
  4. Feedback v Failure
  5. Monitor and become aware of the effects you have when you flirt
  6. The dreaded chat up lines
  7. Make yourself approachable
  8. Accepting compliments, brushing off rejection
  9. Making the first move
  10. Say 'no' graciously
  11. Personal Space
  12. Energy Awareness

1. State reigns supreme top

The most important component of a successful flirtation is being in the right mood for flirting. Good flirts are playful, have a sense of fun, adventure and a curiosity about people. When you feel good about yourself, only then can you give this to others. You can learn to use the skills of NLP to make changes in states whenever you need to do something childlike each day, jumping in puddles, smiling for no reason. See people not as something you have to ‘deal with’ but as a gateway to new adventures and 

2. Let go of the outcome and get it anyway top

If your main focus is concentrated on what you want, it will show. You may come across as desperate. Instead of worrying whether you will score or make a good impression, focus on what you can give. Ask your self how you can easily make other people feel good. It will return to you once the connection is made. Your brain grows with the repetition of actions as neurons that connect the areas of the brain creating these actions. The neurons become strengthened each time the connection is made. The activity becomes automatic. You will begin to flirt naturally and adapt your style of flirting to the situation.

3. Be yourself top

Sigmund Freud, whether you agree with him or not, had a few cool things to say. One of them was "We leak the truth from every pore." Phoneys get discovered sooner or later. If you pretend to be that which you are not, you will very quickly find yourself with less friends, less connections and less opportunities to meet someone who is right for you. Of course, remember how important it is to show yourself in a good light.

4. Feedback v Failure top

Bobby Charlton said "if you don’t shoot you won’t score, if you do shoot, you may score, if you never shoot you will never score". People often give up when they don’t get immediate results. Monitor what works and what doesn’t work. If you aren’t getting the results you want, ask yourself what you could do differently that would allow you to. When you believe that there is no failure in life and that whatever result you get is a learning tool, you will succeed. Learn from what doesn’t work and do something different.

5. Monitor and become aware of the effects you have when you flirt top

Some women send out signals of overt sexual flirting when all they want is to be friendly. Others send out overtly sexual signals because they want attention. And they will get it. Unfortunately, some of the attention will be unwanted. Practise with your close friends asking them to give you honest feedback. Practise in the mirror. When you begin to understand the effect of what you do, you will be in a position to make changes...

6. The dreaded chat up lines top

‘Give us a good chat up line then’. This is the initial response from a most men when I tell them I teach flirting. Many women will have heard some of these chat-up clichés before. It won’t do you any favours guys. There is no such thing as a ready to wear line. Each ‘line’ should be a genuine sentiment of what happening at the moment. Sometimes the simplest opening gambits are the best. Sometimes by paying attention to the person you want to flirt with and noticing their good points, you will come up with a natural and successful line.

And if you can’t think of one saying "hello" with a smile and walking on by with a glance back... is my favourite all time successful line!

7. Make yourself approachable top

When you go out with a group of friends, be sure to separate yourself from them occasionally. The thought of being turned down in front of a crowd might scare off potential suitors. Make sure you look friendly. Sitting like an ice queen/king will not attract people to you. The big freeze is no one’s idea of a turn on. You may unconsciously be giving out ‘no no’ signals when secretly you are lusting for someone to approach you. Check what you are giving off and if it's not getting results you want, adjust it. Ask friends to give you feedback.

8. Accepting compliments, brushing off rejection top

Sometimes we store rejection in the place we should reserve for compliments and vice versa. What do you take to heart? Where do you store your rejection and criticism? Do you take it deep inside or do you hold it away from you so that you can look at it objectively and learn from it. You can shrug it off when you have done learning. Where do you store your compliments – Do you throw them off? Or do you take them deep into your heart and glow? Learn to put things in perspective. Look out for compliments, take them in and shrug off rejection. Begin to notice your feelings and where they are located in your body. Simple awareness is sometimes curative.

9. Making the first move top

95% of the men I interviewed said they would love women to approach them. Ladies, you already have taken initiative in many areas of your life. Making the first move doesn’t have to become a habit, and it doesn't have to be a 'Sex and the City' type of approach! It's just an alternative way of doing things. Variety is the spice of life eh? From time to time you can enjoyably make the first move. If you see someone across a room that ‘does something for you’ , make up your mind to connect with that person. Follow your instincts. Too many of us don’t listen to our deeper instincts and miss out on wonderful opportunities.

10. Say 'no' graciously top

If you are going to turn someone down, do so graciously. See it as a form of compliment to be asked, even if the man or woman is not your type. If you reject someone viciously or unkindly, other men may notice and you can be sure they will be very wary of approaching the "Medusa’s den". On the other hand, when you reject someone with grace, other people will notice that and may be drawn to your charm and kindness.

11. Personal Space top

Are you a space invader? You’ve probably encountered those people who get that little bit too close for comfort. No matter how you wriggle, they continue to loom ‘in your face’ Be aware of how others react to you. Test space using gentle moves and calibrate their reactions. Watch the mouth, the eyes, the skin colour. Mouths get larger, lips swell, eyes widen, pupils dilate, skin flushes, changes colour, muscles around the mouth move and vice versa. Become a detective of other people’s signals.

12. Energy Awareness top

What kind of energy do you live in? Are you a fiery wild type who is always hyper-burning and active? Are you a flowing watery type who sways and sashays or crashes through life, or are you airy fairy, floaty or hurricane-like, or are you earthy, solid deep rooted and passionate. We all MOVE differently.. Just begin to check out people around you. Notice how they move and how they talk, fast, slowly. This is their energy... and when you become aware of it, you can lower or raise yours to pace them and slowly lead them up or down to a place that both of you can communicate in. Ever seen someone talk really fast to someone who talks really slowly... it is an uncomfortable feeling and if we are going to interact with people, we need to make them feel comfortable. One rider here - don't change yourself to BE like them and don't think you can really CHANGE them. If you don't like it and can't lead them to more neutral ground.. LEAVE!

Free flirting lesson click here for your free flirting lesson.

If you live in the United States,  you can order my new book via this USA link. 'Flirt Coach' on'. If you live in the UK or Eire, you can order my new book via this UK link 'Flirt Coach' on

Copyright © 1999 - 2001 Peta Heskell

[top of page] [advice] [solutions] [escapism] [goodies] [stress relief] [resources] [home] [go back]

[money] [love] [home]
[goodies] [stress relief]
[resources] [contact us]

I Need Some Space shortcuts and links

Money-related articles on
Job Hunting: Boost Your Job Search with the Buddy System
Life Coaching Tips: The Great American Dream Challenge
Write a professional CV, Resume writing: Writing an Effective CV or Resumé; a Brief Guide
Freelance writing: Good Reasons Why You Can’t Rely on Your Spellchecker
Write a professional CV, Resume writing: 9 Tips on Creating a Professional E-mailed Job Application
Freelance employment: Putting Objectives in Check
Freelance employment: Amway: My Brush with the Great Pyramid
Freelance writing: An Interview with Nancy Hendrickson, author of "Secrets of a Successful Freelancer"
Freelance proofreading: So... You Think You Want to Be a Freelance Proofreader…
Freelance employment, making money at home: FAQ: The Reality of Working at Home
Career test: An Irreverent Critique of Career Testing
Career change: Is it Time for a Job Change?
Career change, career test: My Career is in The Doldrums. Do I need a Coach or a Therapist?
Career change, career test: Searching For Your Calling. Quest or Curse?
Fear of Meetings: Not Another Meeting!
Internet marketing: How to Successfully Network Online
Freelance graphic design: Sell Your Services to Businesses That Don't Have a Web Site
Sales copy writing, reading body language: It's Not What You Say But How You Say It
Web site marketing: What's Your Visitor's UPA?
Web site marketing: Simple Steps to Success
eBay UK, eBay auctions UK, make money off eBay: I Was An eBay Virgin!
Win UK competitions: Beginner To Winner
Win UK competitions: How I Raised My Family In 10 Words Or Less!
Saving money: Benefits Of Making A Budget
Saving money: Saving Money Games: Save Money
Unclaimed funds: Unclaimed Money
Create ebooks: The HOTTEST Way to Make Money Online Right Now
Create ebooks: "How to Write and Publish your own eBook... in as little as 7 Days"
Make money online: "The Lazy Man's Guide to Online Business"
Freelance writing: Writing Effectively: A Two-Part Guide to the Well-Written Text

Love-related articles on
Flirting advice: When Is Flirting a Good Thing?
Relationship advice: Finding Your Soulmate
Relationship advice: You are killing US with YOUR jealousy
Relationship advice for women: Anger and Hurt; another lonely place!
Relationship advice for women: Jealousy, a lonely place to be!
Relationship advice for women: Being Dumped, just plain sucks!
Relationship advice: To Trust or not to Trust!
Relationship advice:
Tips For Moving Forward When Your Relationship has Ended
First date tips: First Date Faux Pas!
First date tips, relationship advice: Make Mine a Large!
Breaking up: Broken Hearted vs. Broken Lusted
Relationship advice: Lies Women Tell
Relationship advice for men: How and Where to Meet Eligible Women
Flirting tips, reading body language: The Signals of Flirting
Flirting tips, reading body language: The Keys to Successful Flirting
First date: First Date Tips
Online dating tips, relationship advice: Write a Better Online Personal Ad
Online dating tips, relationship advice: First Contact: Do's and Don'ts for Replying to Personal Ads
Online dating tips, relationship advice: Love on the Internet